It seems to be mostly women who read the books and attend the
classes on How to Please Your Husband, How to be Submissive, How
to Help Him, and so forth. We men seem to be fairly successful
in dodging this sort of thing. Our wives would surely have a good
case if they would ask us to take equal time to learn our "trade"
as spouses. But my observation of myself and other husbands is
that it's going to take a lot more than that to get us into classes
on husband-hood.
Fortunately, there is another method, somewhat more subtle, but
very effective nevertheless. Pastors who do systematic Bible teaching
know that many principles of the Christian way of life are very
useful in making husbands into people who are fit to live with.
So - if a husband can't be cajoled or bribed into a special class,
he can still be learning in the regular Bible classes the principles
he needs on which to pattern his activities as a family man.
The biblical principles related to marriage and the husband's
duties, when they are understood and applied by husbands, can
produce wonderful results. And really, it is the standard and
basic Christian life principles, so useful in all areas of spiritual
growth, that are the most important in developing and maintaining
a happy and productive relationship between spouses.
A husband is commanded to love his wife. "Husbands, love
your wives, even as Christ loved the church..." (EPH. 5:25)
It is true that young women are to be taught by older women how
they are to love their husbands (TITUS 2:4). But nowhere in Scripture
is there the same forceful command to women to love their husbands.
It is paramount in the Bible that the wife's love is the willing
response to that which the husband initiates.
Lack of harmony in the home, for which the husband has the predominant
responsibility, is so important that 1 PETER 3:7 states that a
man's prayers will not be answered if such harmony is not present.
Failure on a man's part to treat his wife in Grace, and failure
on his part to train his children in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord, are carnality. A husband who despises and hates his
wife and neglects his family's spiritual welfare is living in
sin, just as surely as the unrepentant adulterer or the confirmed
drunkard.
Along with other types of backsliding believers who are stumblingblocks
in the way of someone's spiritual progress, the man who persists
in maintaining an unstable home life is a prime candidate for
serious divine discipline.
The ability to manifest love is part of the fruit of the Holy
Spirit and is a product of consistent and long-term spiritual
growth. Therefore, a man's capacity for love for his wife is proportional
to his total spiritual progress. A man's spiritual progress is
relatively easy to see; and it is certainly noticeable to his
family. True spiritual growth results in a person's becoming more
Christ-like every day; and this quality is observed when the fruit
of the Spirit becomes more and more obvious.
Gen. 5:22,23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control..."
Look at those signs of maturity! Are you acquainted with husbands
who exhibit these traits in their daily lives, with their wives
and children? Do you realize that a man like this would be irresistible
to his wife and a hero to his children? A man like this would
have an excellent chance of winning even an unbelieving wife to
Christ, in no time. Bible doctrine makes men out of boys, even
if the boys are over thirty.
It is a principle of God's authority and the Chain of Command
that "The one in authority initiates and the subordinate
responds." In God's plan, men have an enormous capacity,
by the Grace of God, to create the responses in their wives that
are the most beautiful and pleasing.
If a husband is a bully, only the most spiritual, submissive,
and dedicated wife will stay with him. Only a very mature woman
will willingly endure long term suffering at the hands of an immature
husband. There are a number of historical cases of godly women
who suffered to the point of death in the attempt to win the ungodly
husband.
Certainly wives are commanded to be submissive. But the man who
must demand that his wife submit, to get her cooperation, has
missed the boat entirely. Anyone who is in a position of authority
should never expect his subordinate to submit simply because it
is his duty. Yes, the subordinate's duty is to be submissive;
but the one in authority is in deep trouble if he must be authoritarian
to get his way.
CHARACTERISTICS OF TRUE LOVE
True love will have the characteristics listed in 1 COR. 13. It
is possible for anyone to compare the actions of any person with
these Bible standards and determine whether true love is being
exhibited. These would be especially useful for a single person
trying to determine whether a member of the opposite sex has true
capacity for love as God intended.
Where these traits are missing between husband and wife, it is
the husband's responsibility to provide them (remember, "Love
your wife..."). These is possible only through Christian
growth towards maturity over a period of time under the continuous
control of the Holy Spirit, as in Ephesians 4.
These same patterns dictate also the nature of the wife's response
to her husband. But the man who believes that he will receive
the proper response, without his first making the initial steps,
is indulging in wild wishful thinking, to say the least.
Final Note: The husband who sees no need to change, or who refuses
to submit to the Plan of God for his life and marriage, is going
to have to abide by the results. His wife's response to him may
be in large measure a response to what he sends her way; and in
that respect, he gets what he deserves. Of course, many of us
have wives who are themselves Grace-oriented, so they quite often
do not "give tit for tat"; and we should be grateful
for that underserved blessing.
CHARACTERISTICS OF LOVE (I COR. 13)
Love is slow to lose patience. It doesn't demonstrate irritations
or reflect anger or have a quick temper. It has fully accepted
the character of the one loved.
Love looks for a way to be constructive. Love is actively creative.
It is able to recognize needs. It discovers successful methods
of improving or contributing to the other's life.
Love is not possessive. Love does not hold exclusive control where
one is allowed little or no freedom to fulfill himself apart from
the one who loves him.
Love is not anxious to impress. Love doesn't seek to make an impression
or to create an image for personal gain.
Love does not cherish inflated ideas of its own importance. It
is not self-centered. It has the ability to change and to accept
change. It is flexible. It doesn't allow, or expect, life to revolved
around itself.
Love has good manners. It has respect for others which results
in a set of Christ-centered standards. It has discretion. It knows
what is proper and when.
Love does not pursue selfish advantage. It does not have primary
concern for personal appetites or for social status; but it shows
concern for needs of the one loved and families and friends involved.
Love is not touchy. Love is not hyper-sensitive or easily hurt.
It does not take things personally. It is not emotionally involved
with personal opinions so that to reject ideas is to reject the
one giving them.
Love does not keep account of evil. Love doesn't review wrongs
which have been forgiven. It does not dwell on past sins. It destroys
evidence of past mistakes wherever possible.
Love doesn't gloat over the wickedness of other people. Love doesn't
compare self with others for self-justification. It doesn't use
others' sin to excuse personal weaknesses.
Love is glad with all godly men when truth prevails. Love is in
active fellowship with dedicated Christians. It is occupied with
spiritual objectives.
Love knows no limit to its forbearance. Love has the ability to
live with the inconsistencies of others. It has empathy for the
problems of others.
There is no end to Love's trust. Love believes in the person loved
and in the person's worth without question. It has no reason to
doubt the person's integrity.
There is no fading of Love's confidence. Love is not fickle. It
has perfect peace and confidence that God is primarily responsible
for introducing the right partner at the right time.
Love has unlimited endurance. Love is able to outlast anything.
It is able to endure all obstacles and even love in the face of
unreturned love.